A nice place to visit, but would you want to live there?

“Indiana: Restart Your Engines” has been chosen as our new state motto to entice people to vacation here and to move here. Pondering the new slogan caused me to think about living in other states.  So being abstemious and punctilious I made a list of the pros and cons to help you make the decision also. This is a public service announcement.

We have vacationed in Arizona and I would like to live there except that it is so hot. They have four seasons: tolerable hot, hotter, really hot and the radiator blew up on my thermometer hot. People drape their steering wheels with towels so they won’t burn their hands when driving. They drive around and around looking for shade to park. “But it is a dry heat,” the locals say. I don’t care. To me it feels like opening the oven door on Thanksgiving to check the turkey. I’ll pass.

We have vacationed in California and it looks enticing except that if you earn over a quarter of a million dollars you still can’t afford to buy a house in some places. You really make good time on your commute while backing out of your own driveway. But then it slows down. People drive their rented luxury cars to their own block party. You have to know how to eat an artichoke to live there. And then there are those “shaky times.” I’ll pass.

We have vacationed in New York and maybe I would consider living there. You have to know that the term “city” means Manhattan. You must like to argue and yell because people argue for hours on what is the best way to get from lower Manhattan to the Upper East Side. People really consider Central park as part of nature like our parks. You have to be bilingual and able to swear in at least four languages. Drivers honk their horns more than a disoriented flock of Canadian Honkers circling Indy thinking it is Orlando. If you look people in the eye prepare for a fight because that is too aggressive. I’ll pass.

We have vacationed in Maine and it is mountainous, sylvan, rugged seacoast and mild summers. Don’t forget about the winter though. On Halloween kids have to wear their costumes over snowsuits and parkas. I checked the L.L. Bean Catalog and their lingerie comes in three colors: Red flannel, Green flannel and Blue flannel and they all have feet in them. In contrast to Arizona their four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter and the Fourth of July. The cuisine there is simple because they only use four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and more ketchup. I’ll pass.

We lived in the Deep South for several years. You can rent a movie, gas your car, buy groceries, get a hunting license and bait and eat lunch all in the same store. During a trial a witness was heard to say, “He needed killin’” and that was accepted as bona fide testimony. Nearly everyone has two first names: Jimmy Bob, Billy Bob, Joe Bob, Billie Jo, Bobby Jo and Betty Jo or Bubba. I developed the habit of saying “Y’all” for one person and “all y’all” for a group. I’ll pass.

We’ve been to Colorado, one of my high school classmates lives in Eaton and it looks enticing. However, the altitude would bother me and in the winter time my prodigious nose would manufacture tons of hardened mucous [boogers is not very delicate.] You have to own $10K of skiing equipment or ride a $3K mountain bike that you haul on the top of your $500 car like surfers and surfboards. You have to be aware that a pass does not involve football or dating. If the top of your head is bald it is considered ultra-sophisticated to wear a ponytail. I can do that. I’ll pass.

We have vacationed in Florida many times and we have many snowbird friends who go there. You have to be able to eat dinner at 3:15 and you have to like early birds because that is all they serve. Every purchase involves a coupon. You have to listen to endless dermatology and proctology stories. You must grow accustomed to seeing cars driven by headless people with the turn light on all the time. They also have four seasons: tolerable, hot and sticky, really hot and sticky and hurricane. I’ll pass.

Then there is Indiana. The nearest celebrity you ever met was the Watson Spa Girl appearing at a trade show at the coliseum. Farm implements cause traffic jams in small towns. It is not unusual to use the heat, air conditioning and practice tornado drills all on the same day. BW and I are natives and we’ll probably just stay here in Hoosier Land if I can just get my engine restarted.